Hit The Slopes at Overheard Mountain Resort

Words by Alex Kaufman and Allison Kozar

Editor's Note: If you’ve ever spent a season as a lifty, rental monkey, repair tech, park ranger, patroller or god forbid staffing the service booth, you’ve obliged your share. Here’s a dozen “overheards” that may ring true if you’ve spent seasons wearing the nametag. - AK

1. “Why do my boots hurt?”

Maybe it has something to do with the pants you have shoved into them. You know the ones digging their way into your calf. Or it could possibly be two pairs of socks that didn’t fit right to begin with. 

2. “We’re all good. We have four-wheel drive.”

No you’re not. You’re going to tailgate and not worry about it until it’s too late. Anyone in your car who tells you to be more careful will be ridiculed as a pansy, or scared, which they should be. The amount of time you might gain by passing people on snow packed roads is not worth people’s lives or needing a tow truck. Get in line and get there in one piece.

3. “I don’t need a lesson.”

We’ve all seen them and for some odd reason they’re always in pairs.  The two geniuses that strap skis on for the first time and go straight to the top.  You know the ones; you end up lapping ten times before they make it down - if they make it down.  More often than not this scenario ends with a mountain employee chauffeuring downhill in a sled or a gangly walk.

4. “These skis are not working right. I want different ones.”

Actually no, your ego is inflated. Skis don’t do the skiing. You do. And you are bad at it. That’s ok. Just grasp it. But sure, I’ll go get you a pair of different looking rental skis that you can declare to be vastly improved then blame your lack of ability on the staff. That’s what I’m here for. Have a nice day.

5. “Do you extreme ski?”

What does one say to this question? Neither yes or no contains adequate sarcasm. Asking the person to explain what extreme skiing is might just be the best option.

6. “Why isn’t the lift running?”

This question is always asked with an undertone of “I’m sure it’s because someone is choosing to screw me over”. Actually, it’s not running for reasons such as: you’d be blown off it and have a bad time, it’s a machine that doesn’t work perfectly 100% of the time, or maybe it’s not scheduled to run (so adjust your expectations Mr. Trump.)

7. “How long is everything going to be on wind hold?”

If you’re the religious type, ask Him. Otherwise the safe bet is until the gnarly weather passes. Ski area operators used to estimate when that might be. But due to dickheads who would angrily hold them to weather predictions on facebook from their office in Boston (insert any distant city), they no longer even do that. You know who you are. Give it a rest.

8. “Are my bindings broken?”

Suppose that’s correct. They are not clamping to your boot. 70% chance it’s because the heelpiece is in the opposite position. But keep trying and getting more frustrated. It’s sort of fun to watch. 30% chance you’ve got a Catskill Mountain built up on the underside of your boot and have not yet grasped the various methods for removing it. You’ll figure them out. In year #4.

9. “I didn’t duck a rope!”

When you’re caught, you’re caught.  And when you’re caught the best thing to do is admit it.  Seriously, the ski authorities will show you more respect if you fess up to whatever they saw.  You might get to keep your pass and their respect - no promises though.

10. “You guys reported 10” on Thursday. You must have been lying.”

Um. It’s Saturday. At noon. The locals pillaged that stuff by mid morning on Thursday. Since then we’ve groomed the piss out of it and it also rained a little. True, the marketing department has been talking about that 10” to get your ass up here, and the pictures they took are still on the website, but they are time stamped accurately.  You got stoked. It happens. Try to have fun.

11. “My 5 year old loves the terrain park, but all the teenagers yell at us.”

Yeah that’s pretty accurate. At some point ask one of them what they are yelling about. They don’t want to kill your kid. Can you blame them? Small, hard to see and unpredictable humans are a danger in the terrain park. Your 5 year old is not paying attention. Seemingly neither are you. Ask if there is a “kiddie park”.

12. “Why are tickets so expensive?”

Bonus points when this statement is made in a long ticket or lift line. Think if they were cheaper. Those lines would be longer. The scraped off trails would be more scraped off and there would be even less places to park and/or poop. In the business, that is called “maximizing yield”. Getting the most dollars out of each visitor to the level that the infrastructure can sustain, while still being low enough cost that capacity is met. Right now, at a lot of major ski areas that magic spot is $60-$100 per day. A big thanks goes out to all the 1%’ers who enjoy paying the window rate, subsidizing skiing for the rest of us. Keep it up.